Wednesday, January 20, 2016

REJECTED SCREENPLAY ABOUT MY MILD INJURIES FROM DISTANCE RUNNING

FADE IN:

INT. PURE WHITE ROOM - INFERRED DREAM SPACE

MY CAGEY ACHILLES TENDON, MY AILING PSOAS, MY CRUNCHY PELVIS, and MY MILD INTERMETETARSAL NEUROMA (collectively INJURIES) sit around a conference room table smoking cigars. PAUL materializes before them, wearing an all white tuxedo.

PAUL
Fellas. Can't we come to some sort of agreement?

INJURIES (IN UNISON)
Nope.

PAUL
Just forty miles a week. That's all I'm asking!

PSOAS
Fat chance, trash-dick. You'll get 15 if you're lucky. And they're gonna hurt.

PELVIS
Yeah. And they're gonna be slow.

PAUL
What if I stretch? See a chiropractor? Pop ibuprofen like they're goddamn Skittles? Go to yoga irregularly? Self-massage? Rub prayer beads? Give up jerking off? Anything?!

NEUROMA
Not gonna happen, bub.

PAUL
(Sighs) Alright. Same time again next week?

ACHILLES
(Grunts in acknowledgement)

PAUL evaporates into the ether. The INJURIES chuckle and pass around a suckling pig, tearing bites of its flesh out as it completes the circle.

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