space heater

kmart is like those kind of crappy department type stores but 20 years ago like jamesway when i was a kid they sell things that are closest to the acme of whatever it is singularly plain that is impossible a regular shirt a flannel nightgown it doesn’t feel like something i actually want just fun in a light horrible deep dread kind of way do i want a shitty nightgown or on the other hand a cream blouse like the women detectives it's so good to enjoy combing your wet hair back and feeling whole new socks fresh peach ok

Everyone deserves disproportionately

On the first day of the year I make my friends a cake.
she says "so do you...identify as a fat femme?"
I look down at my belly in the mirror, I feel giant.
 I look at her thighs with awe, I feel small.

I thought I was being an ally when I said "and so what if I WAS fat, what would happen then?"
but hurt squirms on both sides of any gesture, of any actual trying, and I feel immediately my flaws.
practice my best strong-spined vulnerability and stay there.
We make a salad and she meets me, slowly.


How do I walk so that the firmness of loud steps does not negate the ripples of complexity?
Scale- I hum to myself, and then shake my head: Here again the same terrain:
The small corner of my paralysis and that way it hurts, how much smaller and yet real.

Next this year, I am stepping in to a stew of space-taking
Everyone deserves, but deserving disproportionately to account for trauma.
My huge capacity to fill my sliver of feeling.
My disproportionate energy,
I remind myself, is still a small amount of humanity and of time.

Happy New Year :-)

Come see us!
They heard the tide was high.
  Home! Oh no!
Come see us! (I love you think I gotta find some food)

xoxox pardon the question just got a new phone saturday and
my contacts did not transfer when was the last time you thought
about General Petraeus-

DADDY!

Happy new year, my beloved friend.
Happy new year, my extraordinary friend.
Happy new year, beautiful friend.
How is today?

things must be decent.

everything comes gif ready
the forecast is cold and the heat doesnt seem to work
first winters in new places
frigidity competition

but there are kittens stealing mice of all kinds
so things must be decent.

MAKING TAPES AGAIN

I’m not the same detective

I’m already old – it’s funny

I was so old to be so young

and now so young to be so old

(the older people laugh and moan)

but I shake eternal teenager –

and know this will transcend

my skin and hair. 

It’s in my voice, maybe.

It’s in my nervousness, baby.

Emma has a belly. 

The instinct is to see beyond the surface,

feel what’s really going on.

Beneath the impressive rind a new one twists,

and we are giddy to see “what’s up”.

What’s up. You in there.

You might be my newest, oldest friend.

Your mom and I were miserable, but we were happy.

We made each other laugh so long.

We got sick on blackberries.

We dreamed about you on the beach,

on the hill, from the floor bed.

We thought about stealing flavored chapstick.

but ultimately, we were good.

January 2 Poem

There is always a seam of weakness
on a champagne bottle, that's how
you slice the top off explains my new wife's
younger brother who does so with a machete
in his pajama pants on Christmas morning
we flew to Ohio and have just emerged from
her childhood bed we were cocooned i asked
is it strange to have me in this room
she answered yes and no this is where i learned
to masturbate to dream of bodies and my own
and here we are entwined in sheets, our bodies
newly wedded in her bed in her parents' house
in Ohio, a place she once thought she might not
be able to return to we will again and again.
There is always a seam of weakness along the cuticle
of a monarch pupae, that's how an adult monarch encloses
wriggles forth winged and bright into the world. First
it swallows air through tiny holes in its well built embryo
expanding its thorax through breathing and breathing until
it splits the cocoon and pulls itself out, a second birth
a survival, its wings dry out and then it flies off
in search of sweetness.

New Resolutions

I will take better care of my bras
in that I will start washing them ever so often.

I will take better care of my relationships
and try to communicate openly.

I will re-discover what it is I like about teaching
and start to enjoy my job again.

I will be a better adult
and clean my apartment more often.

I will be more classy
and drink more cocktails with pickle juice in them.

The Science of Love

let me 

put you under a slide

press myself

against the eye-piece

turning the knobs

ever so gently.

I see you

beyond cells and membranes

we exist

purely for each other.

Slept Over

Where the children can meet, where we can meet and where the children will meet.
The first computing of other's parents and trusting when your choices became the best outcomes you could ever pass on as other choices to yours. Choices of the blood and the choice to accept other parents as an extension of choice.

Un Amor / Dos Corazones

(A Revised Dedication:
For anonymous you #330...

how I wish I could proclaim your name
and my love for you
like I did once...
a deluded shout from the rooftops

Today my eyes are wide open
and I decide that you do not deserve
to have a macho badge of  twisted honor
in my hurt 

Queens get to tell jokers to get lost... but you already are Babe, 
which is the most tragic part of all and if the emotional abuse 
of your stone silence did not break my heart, 
the thought of you being lost and unhappy does
que pena

So here is the poem as it was originally written, when I believed that you loved me 
before I learned all the jelly fish lies 
you lacked the courage to admit...

How beautiful and amazing that I loved like this...that I love like this...yes I loved and dreamed and I trusted, that I loved so deeply and completely... and will again...someone special who truly deserves it...
a mi misma y alguien quien lo merece)

Sing me a lullaby lover man
you are my sun
on winter nights
your breath moon dust
on moon waves

You whisper life to me
in the twilight

Baby, your songs keep me warm
all night long
nights I long for and remember
when you're far away from me

Your laughter in the morning
is the song I wanna hear
and your kisses are the kisses I wanna feel
fill me up / silky satin / your lips
                                                        the sweetest gift

Your hands on my bronze skin
hold me close in the sexiest embrace
                                                         like that

your breath on my face is earth beneath my feet,
ancient and known / anchor me      i know you like you know me
hold me

Your talk is poetry to my soul
to be heard, to listen, to be listened to, to understand
to be understood, to know, to be known
it makes me stronger
braver                                             thank you 
                                                       i love you
Your love
mixed with my love
in a cocktail of delight
in tropical moonlight breezes

Dos corazones                               unidos
un amor

Two hearts
one love

Yes, time passes
and

Love endures.

Yesterday I was in a cemetery, 

about to cross (illegally) into 

another  cemetery over a low 

fence.  A car pulled up.  

Busted!  I thought.  But a 

woman, not a guard, got out 

and the car drove away.  Her 

English was better than my 

Spanish.  She showed me 

the headstone of her husband 

who had died of stomach 

cancer in February.  The 

doctor said he was fine, she 

said.  But four months later.  I 

expressed condolences and 

told her that my good friend's 

father had come through 

bladder cancer this year. 

Then I expressed my 

condolences again 

and hopped over the fence